What Is Self-Compassion and Why Is It So Hard to Give to Yourself?
Planting the Seeds of Self-Compassion
The other morning I was rushing out the door, running a bit behind as I often tend to do, and I could not for the life of me find my phone. I frantically retraced my steps. I checked the charger, the bathroom counter, the laundry room, and even the fridge. And where did I find it? Already in my purse.
And as I was searching, I noticed the voice of contempt that arrived right alongside the frenzy.
Why do you always do this? You should put it in the same spot. How come this always keeps happening? You should have figured this out by now.
And there it was. The spiral of shoulding on myself. A pattern that many of us know too well, like mental grooves that the mind gets stuck in.
I'd like to say I caught myself mid-thought. But honestly, it wasn't until I found my phone and made my way down to the car, took a deep breath, and thought: oh crap, here I am, shoulding on myself with full commitment, despite what I teach in my office on the daily!
The critical inner voice is something so many of us experience. Somewhere along the way we were taught that being hard on ourselves is how we achieve things, how we stay on track, how we get it done. That being understanding, gentle, or compassionate with ourselves is somehow the softer, weaker option.
This post is about why self-compassion is actually more powerful than self-contempt.
Spring feels like the right time to begin as this season is all about planting seeds for the season of growth ahead.
So What Is Self-Compassion, Really?
Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook, pretending everything is fine when it isn't, or bypassing accountability. It is about recognizing your struggles and your mistakes with the same kindness you would offer someone you love.
Researcher and psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin and one of the world's leading voices on self-compassion, describes it as having three interconnected components.
Self-Kindness is treating yourself with grace and understanding rather than harsh judgment. This could look like instead of asking yourself "what the hell is wrong with me," saying "this is really hard and I'm doing my best."
Common Humanity is remembering that struggle and imperfection are not signs that something is wrong with you. It is recognizing that making mistakes is part of the human experience, and that you are not alone in this.
Mindfulness is noticing what is happening without getting too attached to it. This can look like awareness that "this is a painful moment" without that turning into "everything is terrible, I am horrible, and it will always be this way."
Although this sounds simple conceptually, I find it can be much more challenging in real life, particularly if you were raised to believe that being hard on yourself is what keeps you moving forward.
The Myths That Keep Us Stuck
Nearly every client I've worked with has some version of these objections to self-compassion. Let's address them directly, because they are often quite entrenched and can keep us stuck.
"Self-compassion is just self-pity."
I would suggest that self-pity says "poor me, my situation is so terrible, nobody can understand me." This perspective can lead to disconnection and isolation. Self-compassion reframes this to "this is hard, and it is part of the human experience to find things hard sometimes." That shift supports connection and acknowledges our shared humanity rather than our separateness.
"I'll become lazy or complacent."
Research consistently shows the opposite. People who practice self-compassion are more motivated, not less, because they are not as terrified of failing. When making a mistake doesn't result in self-deprecation and inner flagellation, you become more willing to experiment, try, and learn.
"My inner critic is what keeps me on track."
Although this sounds plausible, I would offer that your inner critic likely developed as a protective response, a way to stay safe, avoid failure, and stay one step ahead of perceived judgment from others. And yes, historically it served a purpose. It helped us achieve. It helped us appear to keep it all together. And there were likely real rewards for that.
But what I notice in the work is that the same inner critic that once protected us can become the very thing that keeps us performing rather than living. It can keep us doing rather than being. There is certainly a cost to running on self-contempt and self-criticism, and many of us have been paying it for a very long time without realizing it.
"It's selfish to focus on myself."
It is my perception that this belief comes from societal conditioning, and dare I say, the patriarchy. Be a good girl. It's better to be nice than speak your truth. Don't hurt people's feelings.
And while I agree with not intentionally hurting people, when we silence ourselves to avoid another person's discomfort, we are not acting in alignment with who we really are. We are abandoning ourselves in small ways, over and over again.
Focusing on ourselves first allows us to put the proverbial oxygen mask on before helping others. And self-care, in this context, can be reframed as community care. For those of us who are helping professionals, caregivers, or support others in any version of that role, engaging in self-compassion is not indulgent. It may be one of the most essential things we can do, for our own wellness and for the wellness of those we serve.
What the Research Tells Us (Does it really work?)
The research on self-compassion is robust and growing. What it tells us is that higher levels of self-compassion are consistently linked to lower anxiety, greater emotional resilience, and stronger relationships. People who practice self-compassion tend to recover from setbacks faster and report higher levels of life satisfaction. And who wouldn't want that?
Perhaps most importantly for those of us raised to believe that self-criticism is what keeps us achieving, people who practice self-compassion are not less accountable. It has been demonstrated that they are more willing to acknowledge their mistakes, precisely because doing so does not feel like a threat to their sense of self-worth.
Why Self-Criticism Makes Things Harder
Your nervous system cannot tell the difference between an external threat, a saber-toothed tiger or an income tax deadline, and an internal one, such as our own inner voice.
When we speak harshly to ourselves, "you should have known better, why can't you get it together, what's the matter with you," our body responds to this as threat or danger. Because of this, cortisol rises, we brace our bodies, and we move into self-protection mode.
In this state of dysregulation, the chronic low-grade stress response that so many of us are experiencing on the daily actually makes the things we are hoping to improve much harder to access. And as we know, when we are outside our Window of Tolerance, in hyper or hypo arousal, it becomes harder to access clear thinking, learning, creativity, and resilience. All of it becomes more difficult when we are running on self-criticism and self-contempt.
Self-compassion lands differently in our nervous system. When we offer ourselves kindness, even in a small moment, something begins to settle. We move back into a state where growth, reflection, and real change actually become possible.
When Can You Use Self-Compassion?
One of the things I hear most often when I introduce self-compassion is "that sounds great but when would I actually use it?”
The honest answer is: pretty much anytime the inner critic shows up. Which for most of us is multiple times a day.
Some moments where it can make a real difference:
When you said yes and meant no and now you're quietly resentful about it
When you make a mistake at work and the “shoulding” spiral starts immediately
When you're exhausted and then frustrated with yourself for being exhausted
When you're comparing yourself to everyone around you and coming up short
When your body isn't cooperating and you're fighting it rather than listening to it
When you're in the middle of a hard life transition and you just need someone to be kind to you, even if that someone is you
When you're a helping professional running on empty and giving everything to everyone else
You don't need to be in crisis to use self-compassion. It can be a quiet, ordinary practice woven into the fabric of daily life. A moment in the car between appointments, or outside the grocery story, or a hand on your heart before you walk into something hard.
Any moment that calls for kindness, really. Which, if you slow down enough to notice, is most of them.
Three Invitations to Try It for Yourself
These are offered as invitations, not prescriptions. Not homework. Try what feels accessible and leave what doesn't. There is no wrong way to begin.
Invitation One: Check In With Yourself First
Before trying anything new, it helps to notice where you're starting from. This is something I use regularly with clients and in my own life, a simple Head, Heart, Feet check-in.
Find a comfortable position. Take a breath. And gently notice:
Head — what is your mind doing right now? Busy, skeptical, tired, scattered? Just notice without judgment.
Heart — what are you carrying emotionally today? Frustration, heaviness, anxiety, numbness? You don't need to fix it. Just acknowledge it's there.
Feet — what do you notice in your body? Any tightness, bracing, places that feel held? Feel the ground beneath you.
No right answer here. This moment of honest noticing is already an act of self-compassion.
Invitation Two: Try a Self-Compassion Break
This practice comes from Dr. Kristin Neff, a research psychologist and Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin. It takes just a few minutes and can be done anywhere, at your desk, in your car, between appointments.
Bring to mind something that is causing you stress or difficulty right now. It doesn't have to be your biggest struggle. Something ordinary works beautifully. Hold it gently in your awareness and offer yourself these three acknowledgments:
"Oh self, this is hard." Mindfulness, acknowledging what is real
"I am not alone in this." Common humanity, others know this feeling too
"May I be kind to myself." Self-kindness, a gentle offering to yourself
You can place a hand on your heart as you say these. That small gesture of warmth is not just symbolic. It signals safety to your nervous system.
If you'd like to be guided through this practice, Dr. Neff offers a free Self-Compassion Break audio recording on her website. She also has a free Self-Compassion Scale test. I'd invite you to take it as a starting point, a way to understand where you are right now.
Invitation Three: Check In Again
After the practice, return to your Head, Heart, Feet check-in.
You don't need to feel dramatically different. Sometimes the shift is subtle, a slight softening, a little more space, a breath that comes a bit easier. Sometimes you notice nothing at all, and that is completely okay. The practice still matters. You still showed up for yourself.
Head — what is your mind doing now? Anything different, even slightly?
Heart — any softening? Any sense of being a little less alone with whatever you're carrying?
Feet — any settling, any release?
Whatever you notice, even "nothing yet," you chose to turn toward yourself instead of away. That is the first step.
One Last Thing
Self-compassion is not something you arrive at. It is something you practice, imperfectly, repeatedly, on ordinary mornings when you can't find your phone.
If turning kindness inward feels genuinely difficult, foreign, uncomfortable, or even wrong, you are not alone in that either. That reaction often tells us something important about the environment we grew up in or the stories we absorbed about what we deserve. It is exactly the kind of work I support clients with through Compassion-Focused Therapy, available in person in Edmonton and virtually throughout Alberta.
What we shine the light on grows. This spring, I invite you to shine that light toward self-compassion and giving yourself a little more grace.
If you'd like support in developing your inner coach and quieting your inner critic, I would love to connect. I have openings for both in-person therapy in Edmonton and virtual sessions across Alberta.
Frequently Asked Questions About Self-Compassion
What is self-compassion and how is it different from self-esteem?
Self-esteem is based on how we evaluate ourselves, our achievements, how we compare to others, and it tends to go up and down depending on circumstances. Self-compassion does not depend on performing well or being better than others. It offers a stable, unconditional kindness toward yourself, especially in moments of failure or struggle. Research suggests it may be a more reliable foundation for wellbeing than self-esteem.
Will practicing self-compassion make me less motivated?
This is one of the most common concerns and the research consistently says no. People who practice self-compassion tend to be more motivated, not less, because they are not as afraid of failure. When making a mistake does not result in brutal self-attack, you become more willing to try, take risks, and recover quickly when things do not go as planned.
How do I practice self-compassion when I've spent my whole life being hard on myself?
Slowly, and with a lot of patience, including patience with how uncomfortable it feels at first. For many people, especially those raised in high-expectation or emotionally self-reliant environments, self-compassion initially feels strange or even wrong. That reaction makes complete sense and does not mean it is not for you. It may simply mean you would benefit from support as you build this practice, which is exactly what therapy can offer.
Is there a therapist in Edmonton who offers Compassion-Focused Therapy?
Yes. At Crane Wellness in Edmonton, self-compassion and Compassion-Focused Therapy are woven throughout the therapeutic work. CFT was specifically developed for people who struggle with high self-criticism and shame, and it draws on neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, and mindfulness. Sessions are available in person in Edmonton and virtually throughout Alberta.
Can self-compassion help with anxiety and perfectionism?
Yes, and the research supports this strongly. Much of anxiety and perfectionism is driven by a threat-detection system that has turned inward. Self-compassion helps regulate that response, reducing the cortisol and hypervigilance that keep anxiety running. Over time it supports a shift from striving out of fear to striving from a place of genuine care and values.
Where can I learn more about self-compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff's website self-compassion.org is a wonderful starting point. Free guided meditations, exercises, and the Self-Compassion Scale are all available there. Her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is also worth reading. And if you would like support building this practice in Edmonton or virtually across Alberta, you are warmly welcome to reach out at cranewellness.ca.
About the Author
Margot Crane, MC, R.Psych, RSW is a Registered Psychologist and founder of Crane Wellness, her Edmonton-based private practice. With 14 years of clinical experience, she works with high achievers, perfectionists, empaths and helping professionals who are ready to move beyond burnout and self-doubt — and who sense there is something deeper going on beneath the surface. Her approach lives at the intersection of the empirical and the contemplative, grounded in years of clinical practice and an openness to the sacred dimensions of human experience that most therapy spaces never touch. She integrates evidence-based therapies including EMDR and a deeply relational, somatic-informed approach to healing, honoring the layered complexity of who you are — mind, body, and spirit. If you're looking for a therapist who can hold all of it, you've found your person. Learn more at cranewellness.ca.